2004-08-08 03:52 PM CST
Face it: I'm winging it. All parents are. Everything that comes up, we have to figure out what to do on the fly. But I finally figured out what happens from one offspring to the next. No, we aren't practicing. The first one is not a guinea pig. Judgements are made based as much as possible on available information.
From the time they're able to crawl, you have to figure out what the limits should be. And from the time they're able to crawl, they're trying to expand those limits. It's like driving 70 in a 65 all of the time... that works, but 80 in a 65 probably won't last long.
The problem for parents is that you have boundaries in your mind or your gut or somewhere, and naturally they want those boundaries to be set a little further out. You have to decide whether they are justified, whether you're going to stick with the original limits, or whether a compromise is in order.
When the second one comes along you think: "I don't have to worry... I've already reset the boundaries to what should be 'correct' and acceptible to said offspring."
That's wrong. You have established a new set of boundaries to be pushed, not a firm set.
Other parents don't help. One friend's parents wouldn't let him drive from Spring to Baytown until he was 17. Some parents were flabbergasted when we let ours drive 50 miles to visit their cousins in Katy when they were only 16. Another friend's parents let him drive all the way from Oklahoma to Houston when he was only 17!
Another problem is that it's difficult to convey your reasons for these boundaries. A lot of times it's a gut feel. Sometimes it's "you really just don't need to do that". Sometimes it's "I'm not willing to add this to the sum total of risks in your life". Sometimes it's "I'm more concerned with pleasing your mother than I am with pleasing you".
Older siblings often are upset when younger ones get to do things earlier. I don't blame them. Adam was that way when he was home, but after he left for college, he's actually been known to encourage us to let Jesse do more. (Jesse, tell Adam "thank you".)
So that seems to explain what happens. Unfortunately, figuring out why it happens
doesn't help at all in knowing what to do about it. You still have to trust
your gut, and let them expand a bit on what you think is reasonable. That way
they at least understand that you're paying attention to them.
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The day before Jesse had to get his graduation pictures taken for the annual,
we were discussing what "package" to buy in case we decide to use
these for his official graduation pictures. Somewhere in there I indicated that
the goatee needed to be removed, and naturally he didn't agree with that. My
explanation was that he'll never see those pictures once he moves away, except
on occasions when he comes back to mom and dad's house, but that his mother
and his grandmothers are going to treasure the pictures and see them every day.
It's more important to please them than yourself.
The Jacquelyn sort-of backed away from what I had said... suggesting that maybe he could just make sure that it was neat. *sigh* And she says I always make her be the "bad guy".
Jesse shaved it anyway. Thanks, Jesse.
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